How to win friends and influence people : Lessons

Lesson 1: Do not criticize or condemn people.

In this chapter, the author explains the drawbacks of reprimanding and chastising people for doing wrong. In most of the cases people either do not accept that they are wrong or believe they could not have done more to change the situation. Therefore, condemning someone will only worsen the situation and will present a negative image of yours on them. It is necessary to convey our message without being critical of someone and that we should never forget.

A great man shows his greatness by the way he treats little men.

Lesson 2: Be honest and lavish with your appreciation

In this chapter, the author stresses on the importance of honest appreciation towards someone. He points out that the greatest thing man seeks during his existence is the ‘feeling of being important’. People have gone to wars, stashed money, killed others and built monuments to be remembered while being alive. So, making people feel important through honest appreciation can go a long way. It not only enhances the ability of the appreciated person in daily tasks but also earns you a token of gratitude and belonging that helps you build strong bonds with other people. However, honest appreciation should not be misconstrued with flattery as flattery will run its course but honest appreciation is for lifetime.

I shall pass this way but once; any good, therefore, that I can do or any kindness that I can show to any human being, let me do it now. Let me not defer or neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again.

Lesson 3: Arouse the eager the other person wants

In the last method for how to handle people, author explains the importance of arousing eager in the other person. It implies do not project what you want from the other person rather try to address what the other person wants and give him that while you mutually benefit. The author provides many instances of persuasive letters and shows how starting with what the organization or person wants rather than what you want from them can actually work in your favor.

Lesson 4: Become Genuinely interested in other people

If you genuinely want to make others like you, you have to first be genuinely interested in the other person. By that, the author implies paying heed to their queries and problems in details, to highlight and stress upon the small things that matter to them, you become an integral part of them. The author highlights instances from Teddy Roosevelt’s Life and how he excelled at winning people by just paying attention to what they seek and genuinely striking conversations or greeting them.

Lesson 5: Smile

The simple act of smile costs nothing but creates much. So, draw you chin, keep the head high, fill the lungs utmost and greet everyone with smile. Try to fix firmly on your mind what you want to do and as days glide by you will find yourself seizing the opportunities.

Lesson 6: Remember the name

In this chapter, author stresses on the importance of remembering and addressing someone simply by his/her name. The art of addressing someone by their name invokes a kind of personal belonging and creates a strong bond. For instance, the famous steel tycoon Andrew Carnegie was not only a great leader but he had tremendous people skills. He used to provide credit to others by remembering their name and often go to the extent of naming his organizations after his partner’s name in order to gain his trust and then benefit mutually. After all, what man seeks the most is remembrance of any kind into the future. The author provides few tips on how to never forget someone you meet; if it is a difficult name, you can ask his name second time or how it is pronounced or you can write their name in a piece of paper, create an image of them and tear the paper afterwards.

Lesson 7: Be an active listener

In this chapter, the author speaks about the importance of actively listening and engaging with others. Dale Carnegie provides numerous instances where disgruntled persons in really bad situations can be persuaded through the act of listening them. Often, the conversation is remembered not by talking incessantly but by listening and paying attention to what the person desires. The act of listening and acknowledging the other person’s desire actually wins over them.

Lesson 8: Talk in terms of other person’s interest

In this short chapter, the author describes the importance of heeding to the interest of other person, especially when you want to get things done. For instance, the author narrates how a young man in desperate need of job goes to an employer who only cares about money and his fame. So, what does the young man do when he first meets the person? He says, ” Mr.”, I will make you a lot of money and bring fame to your company. The arrogant employer keenly listens and after hearing the young man gives him the job. Because, the young man promised to deliver what the employer wants the most.

Lesson 9: Make the person feel important. That will him over.

Lesson 10: The only way to win an argument is to avoid it.

Dale Carnegie stresses on the importance of being pragmatic when we have conflicting interests or ideas with someone. For instance, imagine you want to win an argument over your friend, you might win the argument in the short run and feel happy about it but by putting your friend down, you might lose his faith and respect forever. So, the author explains one of the best things to do is to avoid conflict altogether for own peace. More importantly, a person can incorporate skills to dissuade the situation in a soft and polite manner. “ A Person who loses cool over an argument can not make most of the situation.”

Lesson 11: Show respect to other people’s opinion and never say you are wrong

People rate their dignity and self-respect very highly. If you try to cancel other people’s opinion to prove you are right, you not only disrespect them but more unfortunately, you create an enemy out of the person. It is always better to respect other person’s opinion and be diplomatic in situations that require your interference. For instance, when Robert E. Lee was asked about another soldier under his command who hated him, Lee never berated him or questioned his ability in front of others. By doing this, he not only persuaded the other person that Lee means no ill of him, next time, that person behaved more politely and friendly with Lee. So, never berate or say to a person that you are wrong.

Lesson 12: If you are wrong admit it.

In most situations, when we try to defend ourselves, we often go to the extent of hurting others or berating them in order to protect our dignity. But, more often, a man who should take responsibility for his mistakes. It raises his above the lot because most people chose to defend themselves even when they know they are wrong. For instance, the author tells the story of how he would not heed to the warning of a policeman who wanted his dog to be put on a leash in the parks and gave him dire warnings with consequences he sees him next time the dog is roaming freely. The author hated the idea and did not abide. The next time the policeman saw them he was furious but before the policeman could say anything, the author himself ran to the policeman and admitted his mistake by saying he should put the dog under a leash and he is responsible of such bad behaviour. The policeman suddenly calmed and did not reprimand him. By admitting his mistake, the author gave a sense of authority to the policeman and he won him over.

Lesson 13: A drop of honey attract more flies than a gallon of gall

In this chapter, the author stresses upon the importance of how speaking sweet words without any malice can genuinely win people. With how you speak and what you speak matters more. In a situation where you want to change the other person’s mind or persuade him, try to be polite and friendly in your approach and appreciate them rather than bluster and storming.

Lesson 14: Get the other person saying yes yes immediately

It is essential to agree with the other person by saying ‘yes yes’ rather than refuting him. The more you say no, the less he/she will be open to you. In a way, by agreeing to the other persons’ statements at the beginning, he will become more approachable. The author provides instances of a bank teller who would initially oppose a young man bank account because he would refuse to disclose some facts. But, asking simple questions first and saying yes to them, the bank accountant wins the trust of the young man who later opens the account. So, know when to agree and agree more often than disagreeing.

Lesson 15: Let the other person do a great deal of talking

Learn not to brag about your achievements and accomplishments infront of others, especially if they are your friends. It kind of creates a boundary as they ,ight perceive you as obnoxious or always talkative. Instead, let others do the talking about their daily achievements or life. In this way, by paying attention to what others have to say, you develop a bond with them.

Lesson 16: Let the other person feel the idea is his or hers

Lesson 17: Try honestly to see things from other person’s point of view

To sum up “If you want to go for an interview, do not set foot in the room until and unless you are throroughly prepared what you are going to say as well as understand what the other person is going to say based on your perception of him/her. The author gives example of how advising politely to adults about the danger of forest fires made them more cautious rather than sternly warning them.

Lesson 18: Be sympathetic towards other person’s ideas and desires

Lesson 19: Appeal to the nobler motives

People in general are noble and would cooperate with you in most circumstances. However, you need to be patient and sincere towards their pleas while handling them. Do not assume or portray that the other person is wrong rather approach from a friendly or neutral perspective while dissuading any tense situation. For instance, rather than saying a car owner you don not know anything about this car you can say you know your car well and better than others. But, also try to pitch in your grievance very politely.

Leadership principles:

Lesson 1: Begin with praise and honest appreciation

If you want to condemn someone for not doing their work properly. Do not condemn them straight away. Rather, be polite and highlight good things about the other person first and then bring the drawbacks or queries subtly. In this way, you do not alienate but inspire the other person to rectify his/her own mistake on their own terms.

Lesson 2: Call to attention other people’s mistake indirectly

In this chapter, the author describes the art of getting things done by giving an inkling to other person. This can be happened if you lead by example first and give hints to others indirectly. For example, an army sergeant wanted the cadets to have short hair. He could have been aggressive towards them to get things done. But , rather , he chose to reflect upon himself by saying that he needs to trim his own hair to be more disciplined and subtly put forward the request that every cadet should look into the mirror and look at his hair and trim it if they are long if they want to lead by example. By saying so, the sergeant invoked a sense on responsibility upon the young soldiers who obliged.

Lesson 3: Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing others

It is better to list your shortcomings first related to a particular field than criticizing the other person. By, this way you show the other person everyone is capable of making mistakes and you win their attention.

Lesson 4: Ask questions instead of giving orders

No body likes to take orders from someone. so, rather than saying a new trainee go and manage people, you can always start by asking questions such as ,” how competent the person is in managing people”. Does he require further training? What he needs to get the job done? It creates a sense of trust between you and the other person

Lesson 5: Let the other person save face

Imagine you want to condemn someone. Hurting a man’s dignity is crime. Never do that. Instead, true leaders genuinely praise another person in-front of others. It is the single most important thing you can do to win his trust. By simply elevating his dignity or rather saving his/her dignity sometimes, you make him your friend.

Lesson 6: Be hearty on your praise and praise slightest improvement

Study shows a slight praise if it is genuine and comes from heart can do wonders. Never false praise for the sake of it. Be genuine.

Lesson 7: Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to

In this chapter, the author provides an idea of reminding the work a person can accomplish when he is appreciated first and then asked about the work. for instance, he provides an example where a dentist feels angry because her cup holder was dirty. But , instead of berating the cleaning person, she first reminds what good work the other person has done in the past and how efficient she was (showing her reputation in work) and then indirectly saying that if she could work more to complete the work and clean the cup holder. To her surprise, not only the cup holder, her entire office was polished.